I have not been doing well lately. Emotionally, I mean. I didn’t post here at all last week. I planned to post this week, but honestly, this week so far has been a horrible mess of emotions and feelings of doubt and lack of self-worth that I can’t bring myself to summon the energy to write reviews right now.
I posted about things on Facebook, if anyone’s curious about the whole story.
Depression’s darkest moments, it seems, make my emotional capacity behave much like the damaged nerves in my left leg. They only seem to be able to register numbness and pain.
It seems I’m slowly recovering my ability to have emotions, and with that, my ability to give enough of a damn to think about writing something, or thinking about something critically. But it’s still delicate, and I seem to wear out my emotional capacity pretty quickly if I’m asked to care about something for longer than half an hour at a time.
So, no reviews this week. I’m going to try to resume posting next week, but it’s tentative, and I don’t want to wear myself out again. I’m just going to try and slowly bring myself around.
I’m not at a crisis point. I still don’t know what the heck I’m alive for, if not for the sake of others, but I’m not at the point of thinking the only way to end the pain is death. And even when I do get to that point, I know from experience that there’s still a lower place to fall, because thinking those thoughts is just one step on the journey. I think a lot of things. I do something about them very rarely. There’s a gap between thinking it would be better if I died, and actually going about the process. I know, from experience, that even when I’m thinking about death, I’m not yet at the point where I’m going to do something about it.
So please be patient with me, and I’ll try to return to posting when I can.