I feel like I’m living on auto-pilot these days. Though I’ve made some steps in the right direction (started going to counseling sessions, applied for university), I feel like it’s been a “one step forward, two steps back” month on the whole. It’s not that I’ve been hanging on by a thread so much as I just feel generally apathetic and unmotivated. Not to read, not to write, not to play video games, nothing. Enjoyment seems to have gone out the window, to be replaced by this dull knowledge that I have stuff I need to do and that I should probably do it, but… meh.
Ain’t depression grand?
That’s why there’ve been so few posts here over February. I’m back in that phase where, instead of wanting to do things, I merely want to want to do them. As in, “Boy, wouldn’t it be nice if I could summon the energy to really get into a thing?” My moods tend to cycle like this. I had about a week of positive outlook, during which I did responsible things like cleaning more, recording video game stuff a bunch, the aforementioned university application. But that week is over, and I’m cycling back down.
I’m not saying this because I want sympathy or pity. I’m saying it because I figure people have the right to know why I’ve fallen so behind on things here, and why I haven’t been seen on social media that much.
It doesn’t help that I seem to have hit a giant wall of insomnia. I’ve pretty much just relegated myself to sleeping whenever my body feels like it might let me rather than sleeping on a schedule, because getting a couple of hours here and there is better than tossing and turning for hours and then getting no sleep at all. It’s frustrating, because it means that sometimes I’m asleep when my roommate is at work, and sometimes I’m asleep when normally we’d be hanging out, and sometimes I’m asleep when they’re asleep, and there’s just no rhyme or reason to it. I’m just hoping that doing this might let me beat the insomnia and get back onto something of a regular schedule.
It’s also hard to concentrate on things when you’re so lacking in rest that it’s a genuine chore to shuffle into the next room to feed the cats and remember who gets what food in what bowl and how much.
So yeah, I will try to do better. But this is the state of things right now, and I don’t know when they’ll improve nor how much. Time will tell, I guess. I hope it’s soon. I’m so tired of all of this right now.